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Fuck you, extroverts!   
02:17pm 17/02/2013
  You know the introvert care sheet that's been floating around the internet for years? Well, someone made this:

I have a lot to say in response to this. First of all, extroverts don't need a 'care sheet'. No one ever 'suffered' from extroversion. When you're an extrovert interacting with people is effortless and easy, you get free energy from everyone around you. You don't need a list for people to understand and care for you, because you are transparent and you express your needs and wants CONSTANTLY to everyone you meet. Introverts have NO TROUBLE whatsoever understanding extroverts.

It's not so much a list of needs as a self-indulgent list of things they'd enjoy, such as item number two: 'COMPLIMENT THEM IN THE COMPANY OF OTHERS'. And number five, 'THOUGHTFULLY SURPRISE THEM'. What kind of attention whoring asshole asks for compliments and surprises? You don't 'need' those things. Fuck you. The only reason this care sheet exists is because extroverts saw the introvert care sheet and were bothered that the attention wasn't on them, so they made their own... with brighter colors!

And the only reason extroverts fail to understand introverts is that their self-absorbed, vampire asses were too busy harvesting our energy and making sure every conversation revolved around them to give a shit and ask.

So, if I may... I'd like to make my own list:

1. TALK about THEM, not you.

2. UNDERSTAND their need for others to think that they are BETTER than you.

3. ALLOW them to TAKE CREDIT for things you did.

4. SHOWER them with GIFTS they not-so-subtly hint about.

5. PRETEND YOU DON'T MIND when they show up at your house unannounced with guests.

6. DO favors for them. DO NOT expect repayment.

7. BE ENTERTAINING so they don't get BORED with you and LEAVE. Try making LOUD NOISES and presenting SHINY objects with BRIGHT COLORS.

8. SMILE and ROLL WITH IT when they fill in the quiet gaps in conversation or interrupt you with VAIN, SELF-SERVING ASSUMPTIONS about what you are thinking and feeling.

9. PATRONIZE their compulsive need for ATTENTION and APPROVAL.

10. LET THEM SHINE (with YOUR energy, sort of like you would if they hadn't TAKEN IT FROM YOU).

It's like if straight people published information to help gay people understand them.

GAY PEOPLE: We want equal rights, respect and acceptance.
STRAIGHT PEOPLE: We want, uh... free pizza! Yeah. And boobs!

YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE UNDERSTANDING, you spoiled, over-privileged fucks. Shut your goddamn mouth for once in your life.

An Introvert
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I hella <3 The Moon!   
12:13pm 17/11/2012
  I dreamt that humanity was a bit more advanced than it is today, and that the US had an active colony on the moon. A huge colony, with several cities spread out over a designated region on the moon's surface. The moon had become America's 51st state.

I had gotten the opportunity to travel there. There were space shuttles running between several major U.S. cities and the moon daily, like an airline into space. The shuttles had window seats, like planes... but they took off and landed vertically, using rockets for both. The seats were in rotating spherical frames that naturally rotated with gravity to ensure that the passengers were not upside down during landing.

The whole thing worked amazingly well. I watched the earth fade away through my window, experienced space and after a brief flight approached and landed on the moon.

During my stay I was escorted around as part of a tour group. Due to teraforming and advancements in technology we were able to walk on the surface with only a light suit, the thickness of an average jacket, and equally lightweight masks. The buildings and some entire regions of the city were pressurized and filled with oxygen so you could wear normal earth clothes.

The lunar city I spent time in was not crowded, but it was a legitimate city. They had running water and plumbing, electricity, internet (linked to earth), hospitals, shopping centers, restaurants, office buildings, residential areas, vegetation which had either mutated or been engineered for the teraformed lunar climate, etc.

After a few days (this was a very long dream) I had fallen in love. I felt so amazed and proud to be human there... and I think everyone else felt it too. The 'lunar pride' was evident everywhere, and it wasn't a boastful, nationalistic thing... just purely human. People were so genuinely kind, helpful and generous on the moon. It was beautiful.

Another thing I loved about it was that it was so quiet. Acoustics were more familiar in the pressurized areas, though with less gravity most things were a lot less noisy. Drop something and it gently falls to the floor like a feather. But outside, especially in the 'wilderness', all you could hear was the sound of yourself breathing and moving in your suit. That combined with the sensation of being nearly weightless gave me this feeling of elated serenity.

To stand in a quiet city of excited and hopeful people, on land that was not layered with garbage and memories of conflict, tragedy and war. There was virtually no crime on the moon... there was little incentive or facilitation for criminal behavior. Everyone was there because they had chosen to be there.

I loved seeing the stars in the day time. I snapped a cell phone picture of my view of the earth in the sky from the lunar surface and posted it to my Facebook wall for all my 'Earth friends'.

At this point I decided I wanted to join the colony and move to the moon. I flew back to earth... this time in tandem with another shuttle which I was able to watch as it entered earth's atmosphere simultaneous to ours. I announced my plans to everyone, and daydreamed about the moon until I had the chance to fly back, which I did. I made three trips to the moon over the course of the dream, before my stupid alarm went off and woke me. =P
Hell dream   
12:41pm 05/08/2012
  The first thing I remember is being in some strange place where there was a party, and a bizarre synth/organ instrument I'd never heard of which I began playing. I don't know where I was, but I knew I was far away from home... and that I was going to be returning home soon. I made some banter with others, a few people I know and some strangers. I remember joking "Wearing a mask is fake, unless the mask is made out of real human skin".

I noticed the organ had a phone line in it, and a VHS tape deck, and a number of other confusing things. Suddenly some guy came in looking frightened, he said he received a phone call, regarding the organ, and that they were demanding a huge sum of money for the unlicensed usage of it (by myself). Before I could say "This is ridiculous" silent men with guns and white and grey fabric wrapped around their bodies (including their faces) burst in and started taking shots at people. I was shot along the side of my head, and in the torso.

I passed out, and woke up at some kind of hospital. This is where it gets fuzzy, but for the rest of the dream I would constantly find myself in a new place, trying to escape/survive, wondering where I was and if there was anyone to help me.

There was a mysterious authority controlling all of this, the people in the white and grey fabric. Other people whispered about them, but nobody really understood what was going on any better than I did. Everyone had a theory, and rumors they had heard. Everyone wanted to escape... except for a few people I encountered who had given up hope and gone completely insane. Some people became very agitated, and were prone to fighting or even violence with other people. I saw someone I knew 6 years ago, but when I tried to talk to him I realized he had gone mad and it was dangerous to draw his attention to me, as heated conversation always drew the attention of 'them'.

This authority never manifested itself in a way that I could understand, at first it seemed foreign, and I wondered if I was in North Korea or something... then it began to seem like something entirely not of this world. They were mostly silent and never spoke to us directly, but they spoke minimally with each other in a language I could not understand.

I was constantly being moved from one bizarre place/facility to another, always separated from whoever I had been able to talk to in the previous place, eventually to be placed somewhere else with a different group of people. I was beaten, shot countless times, provided medical care (which often turned into horrifying medical experiments), forced to walk long distances from one place to another at gunpoint, offered slices of cake and other delicious looking food, etc.

At some point it seemed like it was never going to end. I was shuffled into a rail car system with a random group of people, and there was a recorded message in broken English saying something about how we were not constricted to the tracks and we were being taken to another planet where we would receive 'the care we needed'. The rail car thing hovered over the tracks and then turned toward the sky and accelerated so rapidly we had to hang on for our lives. I think a few people lost their grip and fell to their deaths. Then the experience continued on another planet.

We were constantly being corralled by armed guards or aliens or 'doctors' or whatever the hell they were. I regularly saw someone I recognized from my life when shuffled into a new environment... which was often someplace jovial, like a dance hall or a diner, where we were all left to 'mingle' for an unknown amount of time before they returned. They would leave, but they were always watching. We were excited and afraid to see someone we recognized, and spoke in whispers. You never knew what was going to anger 'them' and lead to getting dragged out, or beaten, shot or worse. I would see people I had spoken to earlier in the dream and been separated from, usually with new injuries and stories about where they had been, as with me.

It seemed like nobody was allowed to die. People I thought I saw killed would appear later in bandages, having been operated on like me. I was in bandages and suffering through most of the dream. This continued for so long... it seemed like days passed. Eventually it seemed like this was going to continue for eternity and I would never be allowed to return home. I was in hell.
One year ago today...   
02:53am 06/05/2012
  ...we were surrounded by loved ones in celebration of our marriage, preparing for our honeymoon. It was the happiest time of our lives. Together we glowed in anticipation of the bright future we had made for ourselves, a profound triumph of faith and love over doubt and fear... the greatest day of my life.

It is my one year wedding anniversary, and here I am alone. A widower.

Instead of celebrating with my wife, I grapple with questions. Why did this happen? Were all the beautiful epiphanies we shared just projections of vain wishful thinking? How can such powerful love be so quickly undone? Does nothing mean anything at all? Why am I still here???

Questions with no answer, they just tear through my mind like glass shattering through echoing memories of her.

Never underestimate the universe's cruelty.
04:51pm 29/04/2012
  "This is fun!"

She pushed the words past her lips, trying by some magic to make them true. Her smile was one that could translate desperation into exuberance, and in it's sincerity was convincing to all but those who recognized the shimmering reflection of fire in her corneas, the silent blaze of the human spirit come undone. Some call it 'innocence lost'. We hear about these things in the news and in rumors, and we tell ourselves we have accepted their reality.

How lucky we are to fool ourselves. The news never placed that shimmer in a person's eyes. Beautiful- as all tragedy is beautiful- eyes cursed not with blindness but with vision. The price for viewing entropy's triumph is recognizing it's signature. Stories, written on faces like charred flesh and pieces of photographs littered upon city streets, ever-present reverberations of broken hearts, broken dreams and broken minds desperately sutured up with distractions and a convincing smile. And as you notice the trappings of darkest chaos in all things, it in turn shall recognize you. When you are alone it will speak to you, whispering "You are always alone...", to which you will have no response, because you will know it is true.
02:11am 29/04/2012
  Fucking entropy  
Finally watched 'There Will Be Blood'   
09:18pm 30/10/2011
  A better title would have been "The Perfect Asshole" with the added (dis)advantage of making it impossible to pirate. I learned that an excellent cure for a hangover is to eat thick slices of meat and drink someone else's milkshake.  
"have you tried unplugging and back in again?"   
03:22am 25/10/2011
  the motto of the wireless future. i get the feeling these devices are using me for some kind of kinky human/robot sex.  
Livejournal sucks now   
01:51pm 27/07/2011
  I can never see more than 2-3 of my friends' entries anymore. Now I have-

"Below are the most recent 1 friends' journal entries."

And I can see no way to see previous entries from my friends. What the fuck LJ? ONE entry?
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05:14pm 06/07/2011
  I'm not the kind of crazy where I talk to people who aren't there, or drool and hit my head on things, or have bizarre emotional outbursts. I'm the kind of crazy that no one ever sees but me, the kind where when I try to articulate my inner turmoil it sounds like bullshit, because it's too articulate. There is a big wall inside me between my madness and my ability to express things outwardly. Sometimes I think it might be easier if I were crazy on the outside. It's difficult having an invisible meltdown and having those closest to you assuming you are making it up. Mostly I just don't try to talk about it anymore.  
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i can be superstitious...   
12:43am 25/05/2011
  ...insofar as I am part of a very superstitious universe.

reality reveals itself immediately, literally and directly, but focusing too intently on it manifests outwardly as madness. oracles are discovered and truths are revealed through intuitive ("crazy") interpretations of patterns in everyday occurrences. so often we are given answers we are not permitted to share, and when they are profound we are moved to act in ways we cannot explain.
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My life is awesome   
09:14am 05/05/2011
  Tomorrow- Gettin' married!
Saturday- Flying to Cabo San Lucas for honeymoon.
5/15- Moving into my new house with my new wife!  Farewell Oakland!
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12:50am 08/02/2011
  socially regulated denial regarding how terrible illness is and how frequently we are bound to experience it must be humanity's last defense against mass suicide.  just as well that we forget what it's like to be sick, we'll be reminded soon enough.  
Giving a Fuck 101   
04:04pm 29/11/2010
  Nihilistic interpersonal tribalism is bullshit. Destructive, futile, cowardly bullshit.  A real friend tells you when you fucked up and helps you avoid doing it again. They don't offer justifications and scapegoats to reinforce negative behavior.

Dehumanizing the enemies of our friends serves only to aid those friends in dehumanizing themselves, discouraging their own growth and awareness as a human being.  It rewards pride in ignorance and shame in compassion.  Why would anyone want that for their friends?
I'm engaged!   
01:54am 17/09/2010
  How's that for a mindfuck?

I asked her, "Do you give a shit about a romantic marriage proposal?"

"Pfft... No."

So I grabbed the ring box from my bag, casually plopped it down on the couch next to her and said "There ya' go". We're so right for each other. =)

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02:35am 26/08/2010
  Well-toned mine to fight you. Police stomach your rack weight ends. Soon I stew vie null lie meat you when pursing. Aisleway soth rule you rug leaf as odds.  
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Laser Eye Removal on FaceBook   
03:47am 11/08/2010

"it's going to be okay"   
02:00am 09/08/2010
  i've been hearing this for months.  so, when is it going to be okay?  when i no longer care about anything?  when my heart turns to charcoal?  when i die?  when the universe collapses in on itself and existence reaches equilibrium?   seriously... when the fuck is it going to be okay?  i'm tired of waiting.  no problem is resolved without newer and greater ones immediately following.  

i just want to relax.  i just want to take comfort in knowing that at least one or two important things are not likely to be taken from me at any moment.  i work so hard to fight back the tsunami of entropy to no avail.  i had strong coping mechanisms but their limits are nearly reached.  

i'm just trying to build a foundation for a better life, yet everything fails, breaks and corrodes and i'm left at square one.  am i doing something wrong or is this just how it is in this life?
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09:43pm 02/08/2010
  Hauch anew Nazis offer bourride in face saw die one lees sitch. Ardent en turfless he may
see eighted. Our candor eyes unset channel craws tish art. Het witch can auto mend,
that twat shewed Bena weighting wasp hurling veins. Odorous clothes in a strong autism
oven to camp ulcer, red rye ill off our boat, enmass fort sun.

An' he done ya lumen- omen us sleep as it shunned off her head. Lattice bees honed this
ruthless tweeze. Lumber antinoir. Nuke'em plays inspire all justice. Bilined leat down
this immolere to angry chin.

The sister evil thief act hat. You're a dick, Ted.

Knoll itch off the strewth, a sonf orchi net, fauxer nao watch eucharist rifle in lie.
Tough them ashore a fewer, we'll tip our placenta. Our meat diet's a poor tandem path.
Eat. Rust. End oration.
life and love   
07:37pm 20/07/2010
  1. learn from others how to be genuinely close to another person and care for them effectively and consciously.
2. break those people's hearts when they realize you still have a lot of learning to do on your own and they can't have you.
3. teach others how to be genuinely close to others and care for them effectively and consciously.
4. have your heart broken when you realize still they have a lot of learning to do on their own and you can't have them.
5. die alone.